Insomnia!

Sooooo, its one in the night and I'm awake. What are you going to read in this post? Probably me ranting about some issue in my life. Mindless banter about a pitiful problem, that probably has a very simple solution. Do I care what you think? No. Then why am I doing this? Simply because I need to vent it out. I need a way to let my frustration out. I can't shout at the people I'm pissed at. I can't run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I don't have a fix to this situation. So I can only let go.

I'm sure you've been in a place like this before. Where you are awake through the night and you don't know what to do about it. I have been. And many times, I wonder, will I end up like the dude from Fight Club? Will I go schizophrenic? Do I have an uber-handsome alter ego somewhere inside me? I wish.

I'm sure if I go schizophrenic, my alter ego will be an even fatter, uglier and sleazier version of me. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

The point is, something is bothering me. I want to do something about it. But I can't. There's only so much you can bear. Most of the time, you just face a disappointment, and you let go. You're back to normal in minutes, or to stretch it maybe a couple of days. But, what do you do when it comes back to haunt you every time you think about something even remotely linked? What do you do when the reason you are miserable lives in the next room, cooks your food and loves you more than anyone else in the world? No, this isn't one of those cheating husband/live-in guy/boyfriend things.

What do you do? Run? Talk it out? Settle for a compromise? Let drag you till you can't fight it anymore? Live with it? What?

Solution? Disturb the other person who loves you more than anyone else in the world? Maintain a stony silence and sulk in your room all day long? Scream till you loose your voice? Murder someone just for the heck of it? How do you let loose a frustration that's insatiable?

Precarious position isn't it?

Why does stuff have to get so complex? I'm a guy who loves to laugh. I believe in spreading love. Ego is something I have learn't to use carefully. Offended - I don't get very easily. Angry - Not a big fan. Compromise - I'm as diplomatic as that MLA from your ward.

I do not have answers. But I want closure. I want to be able to look at the person that's pissed me off and say, you pissed me off. I'm angry. I want to punish you. I don't want to feel like running as fast as I can in the other direction when I look at the person.

I feel like my soft heart gets me into such situations. The other person always knows that they can pull their pants down, shit on the floor in front of me, and throw that shit in my face and I still wont do anything just because I'm soft. So should I chuck that kind-soft-mushy-me and become a cold hearted bastard who everyone is scared to play with? Is that my closure?

I notice, like a sore thumb, that its always the Bad Boys who get what they want. Those guys who sit in the back of the class and throw taunts at the lecturers. Those guys with "attitude". Those guys who always have a backlog. Those guys who get year-back after year-back. Should I become that?

I feel cheated and let down. To be so close and yet not touch it. It is maddening. And to have nothing to do about it - even more so. Will I get sleep after I publish this? Sure doesn't feel like it! Oh, well. Something more for my blog, at the very least.