I'm at a point in my life where I do not know what to do anymore. I am unsure of everything in my life, like its a house of cards : so fragile that a single breath at the wrong time, or in the wrong direction may collapse it. I have lived a happy life so far; still do as a matter of fact. But, as with anyone, I'm almost done with what I choose to call my childhood.
21 years of age I may be, but I have lived 21 years of childhood if you ask me. All my needs taken care of, all my paths laid out for me. I am yet to lead a life I can call my own, and I have no idea how to begin. I have grown no doubt, but have I grown right? Today, where I stand, to me it seems somewhere in that path, I missed a bus, or a train, or a friendly stranger. Something that I needed to make me sure of who I am today.
As the years go by, you grow used to some things in life. You take them for granted. Nobody can tell you you may be in trouble for doing that - they themselves may be a victim of this. It is after all human tendency to get "comfortable" with everything - we didn't survive so long without adapting. But when you see the monument you have made for yourself shake, shiver, sway and threaten to crumble, you get afraid.
You look around, hope that someone will grab your hand, put you to their bosom and tell you its a bad dream. You hope that a strong hand will lift you, dust you down and tell you it's okay. You will hope for a comforting voice to soothe your nerves. But all you will receive is silence. Deathly, lonesome, frightening silence. That is when you realize, you are no more a child.
Leaving childhood, in my opinion, is not as simple as passing an exam and going to the next class. It's an exam alright, but no exam ever can prepare you to become an adult. Beliefs will be broken, images shattered. It is absolute chaos. To make sense takes a disciplined mind - which alas I have failed to develop. It is never too late, of course. But the price you have to pay as you grow older is higher.
To the lucky few who have the sense to know this earlier, who have the maturity to grasp the essence of life at the right time, there is nothing to loose. In a short span of 5-6 years, the price you have to pay is no lesser than leaving your life as you know it, and stepping into another.
I sit here, afraid. I look at the looming future, unpredictable and unforgiving. I stare at the past, mistakes shining bright. I look at my present, undecided and awry. Where have I put myself? Where did I go wrong? DID I go wrong? Questions that only I can answer, but alas! I know not the answers to them.
I think of my parents and how proud I have made them. I look at my family and realize how well they think of me. I look at my beloved and see her looking back in loving expectation. I look at the mirror and see fear, doubt, indecision. I have dreams, but I have lost myself to something else. To what? I know not.
I know not the enemy that I fight. I know not who is my ally in this fight - or if at all I have one. I know not what weapon to use, nor the way to fight. I am void of sound, smell, light, taste and touch. I am in a place where my 5 senses are of no use. What then, do I use?
You live through the years, oblivious to the one fact that one should always beware of - change. One day, when your house of cards is shaking, you will stop and look at it. You will realize, it is not what you started out to build. You will see it, completely different from what you wanted it to be. You will have engrossed yourself so deep in the MAKING, that you will forget WHAT you were making.
What I am to do here on? Do I take apart this house, unfit to be called one, and start rebuilding it to be the house I wanted it to be? Or do I figure out how I can stop the swaying, so that I can still make a tall strong house of it?
21 years of age I may be, but I have lived 21 years of childhood if you ask me. All my needs taken care of, all my paths laid out for me. I am yet to lead a life I can call my own, and I have no idea how to begin. I have grown no doubt, but have I grown right? Today, where I stand, to me it seems somewhere in that path, I missed a bus, or a train, or a friendly stranger. Something that I needed to make me sure of who I am today.
As the years go by, you grow used to some things in life. You take them for granted. Nobody can tell you you may be in trouble for doing that - they themselves may be a victim of this. It is after all human tendency to get "comfortable" with everything - we didn't survive so long without adapting. But when you see the monument you have made for yourself shake, shiver, sway and threaten to crumble, you get afraid.
You look around, hope that someone will grab your hand, put you to their bosom and tell you its a bad dream. You hope that a strong hand will lift you, dust you down and tell you it's okay. You will hope for a comforting voice to soothe your nerves. But all you will receive is silence. Deathly, lonesome, frightening silence. That is when you realize, you are no more a child.
Leaving childhood, in my opinion, is not as simple as passing an exam and going to the next class. It's an exam alright, but no exam ever can prepare you to become an adult. Beliefs will be broken, images shattered. It is absolute chaos. To make sense takes a disciplined mind - which alas I have failed to develop. It is never too late, of course. But the price you have to pay as you grow older is higher.
To the lucky few who have the sense to know this earlier, who have the maturity to grasp the essence of life at the right time, there is nothing to loose. In a short span of 5-6 years, the price you have to pay is no lesser than leaving your life as you know it, and stepping into another.
I sit here, afraid. I look at the looming future, unpredictable and unforgiving. I stare at the past, mistakes shining bright. I look at my present, undecided and awry. Where have I put myself? Where did I go wrong? DID I go wrong? Questions that only I can answer, but alas! I know not the answers to them.
I think of my parents and how proud I have made them. I look at my family and realize how well they think of me. I look at my beloved and see her looking back in loving expectation. I look at the mirror and see fear, doubt, indecision. I have dreams, but I have lost myself to something else. To what? I know not.
I know not the enemy that I fight. I know not who is my ally in this fight - or if at all I have one. I know not what weapon to use, nor the way to fight. I am void of sound, smell, light, taste and touch. I am in a place where my 5 senses are of no use. What then, do I use?
You live through the years, oblivious to the one fact that one should always beware of - change. One day, when your house of cards is shaking, you will stop and look at it. You will realize, it is not what you started out to build. You will see it, completely different from what you wanted it to be. You will have engrossed yourself so deep in the MAKING, that you will forget WHAT you were making.
What I am to do here on? Do I take apart this house, unfit to be called one, and start rebuilding it to be the house I wanted it to be? Or do I figure out how I can stop the swaying, so that I can still make a tall strong house of it?
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