Untitled #2

I'm at a point in my life where I do not know what to do anymore. I am unsure of everything in my life, like its a house of cards : so fragile that a single breath at the wrong time, or in the wrong direction may collapse it. I have lived a happy life so far; still do as a matter of fact. But, as with anyone, I'm almost done with what I choose to call my childhood.

21 years of age I may be, but I have lived 21 years of childhood if you ask me. All my needs taken care of, all my paths laid out for me. I am yet to lead a life I can call my own, and I have no idea how to begin. I have grown no doubt, but have I grown right? Today, where I stand, to me it seems somewhere in that path, I missed a bus, or a train, or a friendly stranger. Something that I needed to make me sure of who I am today.

As the years go by, you grow used to some things in life. You take them for granted. Nobody can tell you you may be in trouble for doing that - they themselves may be a victim of this. It is after all human tendency to get "comfortable" with everything - we didn't survive so long without adapting. But when you see the monument you have made for yourself shake, shiver, sway and threaten to crumble, you get afraid.

You look around, hope that someone will grab your hand, put you to their bosom and tell you its a bad dream. You hope that a strong hand will lift you, dust you down and tell you it's okay. You will hope for a comforting voice to soothe your nerves. But all you will receive is silence. Deathly, lonesome, frightening silence. That is when you realize, you are no more a child.

Leaving childhood, in my opinion, is not as simple as passing an exam and going to the next class. It's an exam alright, but no exam ever can prepare you to become an adult. Beliefs will be broken, images shattered. It is absolute chaos. To make sense takes a disciplined mind - which alas I have failed to develop. It is never too late, of course. But the price you have to pay as you grow older is higher.

To the lucky few who have the sense to know this earlier, who have the maturity to grasp the essence of life at the right time, there is nothing to loose. In a short span of 5-6 years, the price you have to pay is no lesser than leaving your life as you know it, and stepping into another.

I sit here, afraid. I look at the looming future, unpredictable and unforgiving. I stare at the past, mistakes shining bright. I look at my present, undecided and awry. Where have I put myself? Where did I go wrong? DID I go wrong? Questions that only I can answer, but alas! I know not the answers to them.

I think of my parents and how proud I have made them. I look at my family and realize how well they think of me. I look at my beloved and see her looking back in loving expectation. I look at the mirror and see fear, doubt, indecision. I have dreams, but I have lost myself to something else. To what? I know not.

I know not the enemy that I fight. I know not who is my ally in this fight - or if at all I have one. I know not what weapon to use, nor the way to fight. I am void of sound, smell, light, taste and touch. I am in a place where my 5 senses are of no use. What then, do I use?

You live through the years, oblivious to the one fact that one should always beware of - change. One day, when your house of cards is shaking, you will stop and look at it. You will realize, it is not what you started out to build. You will see it, completely different from what you wanted it to be. You will have engrossed yourself so deep in the MAKING, that you will forget WHAT you were making.

What I am to do here on? Do I take apart this house, unfit to be called one, and start rebuilding it to be the house I wanted it to be? Or do I figure out how I can stop the swaying, so that I can still make a tall strong house of it? 

Getting There

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop, and unlike in the last few posts, I'm a content man. Its been a long time since I've had this feeling in my gut. I'm happy. I smile like an idiot just because I want to. My headphones are playing - and after a long time - my favorite music. Amma is sitting there watching me and smiling away. Yes, everything is as it should be.

That, folks, is what everyone looks for in life. Happiness. That is my definition of happiness. My family, my life and everything that makes it alive. What is your definition? Have you thought about that? No? Have you tried to define it?

It is important to know what your happiness is. It is important to know where your happiness lies. When you have answered those questions, answer these: Why is it so important? When do you want it? How will you get it?

Those are the most basic questions in life. Your life will be about how you choose to answer those very questions at every juncture. Answer them. But answer them carefully. Ask them to yourself now. Do you have the answers? Were they waiting at the tip of your tongue? Did you make some answers up in a hurry? Did you give it a thought? Did you prioritize?

That should get you thinking. Not too long ago, I attended a professional talk by one Mrs.Silipeno(rhymes with jalepeno), who is an executive at a firm called SlumberJ. In the duration of the talk, she asked the auditorium to jot down as many words as they could in 1 minute. After the activity was done, she asked us to circle off all the things that were related to the future. The activity was to determine, at any point, how much of your energy is focused towards what you want. Mine was a meager 30%. Pitiful. My list was full of things that made me happy, that were always what I thought about. But, they weren't what I wanted in the future. They weren't even close enough to make me driven.

That taught me one thing. Not everything that makes you happy now will hold good for the future. Hence, it is very important to answer those questions. To chalk out what you want. To KNOW what you want. The list made from answering those questions with a thought, a serious, soul-searching, self-reflecting thought to life and what you want, will be the list that will drive you most in  life. That list will keep you driven. That list will bring you unfathomable focus on what you are doing for that future you so want.

Think about it. I do not know whether it will make any real sense. It does to me. 

Insomnia!

Sooooo, its one in the night and I'm awake. What are you going to read in this post? Probably me ranting about some issue in my life. Mindless banter about a pitiful problem, that probably has a very simple solution. Do I care what you think? No. Then why am I doing this? Simply because I need to vent it out. I need a way to let my frustration out. I can't shout at the people I'm pissed at. I can't run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I don't have a fix to this situation. So I can only let go.

I'm sure you've been in a place like this before. Where you are awake through the night and you don't know what to do about it. I have been. And many times, I wonder, will I end up like the dude from Fight Club? Will I go schizophrenic? Do I have an uber-handsome alter ego somewhere inside me? I wish.

I'm sure if I go schizophrenic, my alter ego will be an even fatter, uglier and sleazier version of me. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

The point is, something is bothering me. I want to do something about it. But I can't. There's only so much you can bear. Most of the time, you just face a disappointment, and you let go. You're back to normal in minutes, or to stretch it maybe a couple of days. But, what do you do when it comes back to haunt you every time you think about something even remotely linked? What do you do when the reason you are miserable lives in the next room, cooks your food and loves you more than anyone else in the world? No, this isn't one of those cheating husband/live-in guy/boyfriend things.

What do you do? Run? Talk it out? Settle for a compromise? Let drag you till you can't fight it anymore? Live with it? What?

Solution? Disturb the other person who loves you more than anyone else in the world? Maintain a stony silence and sulk in your room all day long? Scream till you loose your voice? Murder someone just for the heck of it? How do you let loose a frustration that's insatiable?

Precarious position isn't it?

Why does stuff have to get so complex? I'm a guy who loves to laugh. I believe in spreading love. Ego is something I have learn't to use carefully. Offended - I don't get very easily. Angry - Not a big fan. Compromise - I'm as diplomatic as that MLA from your ward.

I do not have answers. But I want closure. I want to be able to look at the person that's pissed me off and say, you pissed me off. I'm angry. I want to punish you. I don't want to feel like running as fast as I can in the other direction when I look at the person.

I feel like my soft heart gets me into such situations. The other person always knows that they can pull their pants down, shit on the floor in front of me, and throw that shit in my face and I still wont do anything just because I'm soft. So should I chuck that kind-soft-mushy-me and become a cold hearted bastard who everyone is scared to play with? Is that my closure?

I notice, like a sore thumb, that its always the Bad Boys who get what they want. Those guys who sit in the back of the class and throw taunts at the lecturers. Those guys with "attitude". Those guys who always have a backlog. Those guys who get year-back after year-back. Should I become that?

I feel cheated and let down. To be so close and yet not touch it. It is maddening. And to have nothing to do about it - even more so. Will I get sleep after I publish this? Sure doesn't feel like it! Oh, well. Something more for my blog, at the very least.